Raison D’être

Little lies that keep adding updivorce_pic

The power trips he takes

At my expense

Advantages without my knowledge

Acknowledgment

Without my consent. 

Advantages…

that wrap themselves together tightly

tied like bundles of newspapers

for recycling that comes

Wednesdays with the big green truck

the dogs bark at.

Unconscious, unaware, uninformed

Intentionally blind not wanting to know

Too afraid to comprehend

Paralysis setting in

Advantages I toss away…

Without payment, without please,

Without permission, without thanks

placed in my subconscious daily

like on a shelf

stacked one upon the other

To be remembered and understood when I am older

when I have time for contemplation…

The divide begins……..then grows wider

The void becomes a chasm

Too wide to be traversed.

The switch moves up, the light comes on

The pills get tossed

I pick up my son

and walk out of his Father’s life for good.

 

All rights reserved.  ©2009 by Sara Fryd

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3 thoughts on “Raison D’être

  1. Sara,

    Sounds like the start of a “long and winding” road for you.
    It must have taken courage. I know you spent long hours agonizing over your decision. You wanted so much for it to succeed.

    But, the best intention sometimes isn’t enough to get you where you need to be, where you have the right to be, where, in the grand scheme of things, you “ought” to be.

    Away from the negative, the doubt, the loss of faith.
    It ain’t easy and anyone who believes it is, has never faced this harsh reality.

    Life does go on. It can, and will get better, now that you can focus on the future away from a distraction that took way too much of your time, the time you really needed for your own health and, perhaps, your own spiritual growth, not to mention that of that innocent bystander called a “son.”

    Like to see where you are six months from now and possibly 12 months into your new journey. Hey, you can be anyone you want to be now. You are a brand new you, with some baggage that you will learn to eventually discard in forming a new identity.

    Am I getting jeolous? Or simply offering a prayer that the best part of your life is just ahead of you!

    Michael J

  2. Sara,

    You’ve been divorced longer than I have. And here I was, digging deep into my well of compassion and empathy, reliving the loss, the sense of failure, the . . . well, I’m glad you made it back to life. I think I’ll keep an eye on you, just to make sure you’re doing all right.

    Jeez. 1975. I was in Graduate School then, with three different careers still in front of me. Only one extra marriage, though. And I hate to see anyone go through the divorce process again.

    Well, I should have looked at you other posts before opening my veins to you. It felt good to write you, though. Maybe I could do this again. But with a known long-time divorcee next time!

  3. Oh Sara. You know how I relate to this story ! It still feels so fresh and so raw. 1975…wow…the year I was born ! I feel like a pup ! And yet I am going through this experience at a time in my life I never expected for it to occur. The power trip continues. Well…am stronger for it..and growing in strength day by day. Thanks for the inspiration.

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