Learning to say “NO”

I have a friend who won’t accept “no” for an answer.  My Mother you could yell at and she would go away for a week or so, not this one.  Her gift is she remembers money down to the nth degree and is great for tips and percentages and such, but she can’t remember important details – like names and places.

She telephones with the most moronic requests ever. I am contemplating blocking her phone number, then she’ll show up at my front door and I’ll have to kill myself for sure.

True story, last week (swear to God): ring, ring… “Sara, I need you to look up something for me on the Internet where you go to find stuff. You know, remember that blond that’s an alcoholic that used to be on that show that took place in Denver with that other actress whose sister writes books. She used to be on that other show. She went to school in LA when they discovered her. That guy who had the house that was on the hill 56,000 sq ft whose daughter didn’t like her Mother after he died but now they’re talking. She’s living with this guy who was on Dancing with the Stars this last season. They arrested her in Malibu, I read about it in the paper. Go online where you go and tell me her name. What’s her name?”

So while she is talking I had a really good Oprah “ah hah” moment, a visualization for resetting my brain from the babble being shoved into it. While she continues with the request I’m coming up with “The Brain Manual Reset Instructions” for friends who don’t take no for an answer.

Brain manual reset instructions:

• take the hidden zipper that goes up the back of your head (starts at the forehead and goes back to mid shoulders) and unzip it
• take out brain
• take brain scrubber and lemon joy and give brain a really good cleaning (don’t forget the crevices)
• rinse several times until all bubbles are down the drain and water runs clear
• lay brain on towel on the sink and air dry
• rest till brain dries
• after brain is dry, reset all the buttons to default setting “1/2 hour after birth”
• unzip head
• pop brain back inside
• zip back up
• go to Costco, eat a pepperoni pizza slice, buy Hebrew National salami, lox and everything bagel
• tell Lynn – Dynasty, Linda Evans, Joan Collins, Aron Spelling, Tori Spelling, Heather Locklear, etc.
• hit silence button on phone
• don’t answer door
• start over tomorrow

FYI – my new nickname amongst my deaf friends who have no idea how to get on the internet is “Genius.”